CRABSTICKS

Today I bought some crabsticks.

Well I didn't. Because I'm not actually Simon. Simon is next to me in an ovenbearing fashion. I've made a series of speling mistakes. He's commenting on them which makes me very sad as Simon can't spell either.

He told me that fact himself. In an attempt to comfort me and bring us together.

ALAS!

I (aRRON bARNEY rOBYN fERGUSON) did indeed buy some crabsticks? Why, well I'm not sure. But let me tell you of a memory. Who? YOU! The lesbians of the high county.

Twas school. Circa year ten or eleven. That period was all one disturbing blur of time. We had a girl in our class. Her name was Heidi. Judging bythe way in which she was about her darling self I imagine if she's not dead by now she's in the process of dying or at the very least in the process of dying.

She was a larger woman. There is nothing wrong with this of course (bar the health issues and lack of attractivness) yet one day in the dear old cookery classes of old she decided to bend over. Well, she did not decide to bend. No-one decides to bend, but he needed to.

As is often prone with some of these "larger folk" the reveal of her arse crack was imminent.


Upon reveal the young fellow next to me (lets call him Steve, since that was his name) impulsivly dropped a crab-stick into her anal crackety wack.


Hilarity (ish) ensued.

And that is my story for you. LOVE. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxPxxxxxxxxxx

No Junk Food

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! SOMETHING CONSTITUTING A NORMAL BLOG WARNING!!!

Yesterday, I found myself having to wander a reasonable stretch to our nearest ASDA superstore, for 'some bits' as they say in the common vernacular, this is the term given to the light falsly-economic shop that the 21st Century has given a ceaserian section to... the poncy language is to somehow alleviate what is going to be one of those 'health'-blogs that are rather fashionable - the irony that endless typing at a laptop is surely does not aid 'ealf.... Anyswayze to cut a long story mediocre... I promised myself a little reward for this journey, a resultant BIG MAC! - It was to be my undoing... as when I wolfed down this double pattied , drippy yellow-sauced, corrogated gherkined sliced bunned monstrosity, that within minutes I started feeling quote unquote 'peculiar'. 

         Now, I have had McDonalds and other Fast Food type place foods on a million other occasions; to think how much money I have spent; usually it's KFC and Subway; perhaps they have more nutritional value than Maccie Dee's but I am not in the business of food snobbery (secretly slighty, but that's just personal guilt) it's just 'feeling sick after', on loads of occasions I've greedily laid out and consumed bargain buckets, three double cheese-burgers, 2 whole dominator meatball explosion dominoes pizza... and the idea of that melted cheese and garlic sauce makes me salivate - but just in the way nicotene and caffeine used to make my synapses twinkle, I do 'feel' sick and wrong and ill when I consume these things - it is a bit of a self-delusion that you 'enjoy' most of this stuff - ciggies do enhance pleasure receptors slightly but only for the next fix - and salt and sugar highs are temporary we know, we know... but it's the bottom line of THINKING ITS BAD FOR YOU AND DOING IT COZ YOU LIKE IT, and actually it FEELS SICK-MAKING; and the penny dropped yesterday - I felt grumpy, sicky and frustrated; I felt wrong. 
         
      And it wasn't until I had a walk, a couple of actimels and a banana that balance was restored. As I said before I gave up caffeine, I had done it before by just having 1 coffee a day in the morning, that seemed okay, but then became 3,2,4 etc. but by replacing coffee with decaff - MIRACULOUS! - substitution is the king, I must say; that's been a real boon - so 1 coffee here and there is okay, but I have really not bothered, I just don't like it, - and it really was something I used to have ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME! - I don't even like it that much, even though I always insist on 'going for coffee'.... 


So now I am looking for an alternative to 'snacking out' or 'lazy food' because I am perfectly happy with salad's and prawn cocktails or some weird egg/caper thing - mmmmm, what it is - and silly as it is, all that junk means to me is QUANTITY, I think I am getting more (even though I am not reaaalllly) - and that's why the bulky savoury wins out.... egads! What's a boy to do! 


        Well the eclectic of tastes and a willingness to ingest just about anything may prove to be a bonus, and perhaps the task of eating in new and outre places - something new on the menu may stop this - although it's become rather sparse with the lack of monies so I needn't worry too much....


Right off to heat up the left-over chiniese from last night........mmmmm....


 

MESS

It seems that people have particular attitudes to being 'tidy'. There is nothing more unwholesome for me, than something immaculate; whether it be a kitchen counter, a private study or even a conception... hehe... and earlier this week Mother had a moment, where we revisited my 'untidiness' which resulted in a little THOUGHT, that had been going through its 'formulations' for quite some time.  

It merely concerned itself with mortality, and the idea that a clean, neat and ordered place is a clinical, dead and empty place; with no personality, not 'lived in' as the expression goes. And with our little transient 'bit' its nice to have an accidentally strewn pattern of things which are all flowing from your own little volume of entity, perhaps. 

But seeing as, and we should all realise this, attaching a meaning after the fact; the fact being I am a messy person, through no implication other than that I am, surely we can think up the best or most 'prettily constructed' idea behind why this is so, no?