CRABSTICKS

Today I bought some crabsticks.

Well I didn't. Because I'm not actually Simon. Simon is next to me in an ovenbearing fashion. I've made a series of speling mistakes. He's commenting on them which makes me very sad as Simon can't spell either.

He told me that fact himself. In an attempt to comfort me and bring us together.

ALAS!

I (aRRON bARNEY rOBYN fERGUSON) did indeed buy some crabsticks? Why, well I'm not sure. But let me tell you of a memory. Who? YOU! The lesbians of the high county.

Twas school. Circa year ten or eleven. That period was all one disturbing blur of time. We had a girl in our class. Her name was Heidi. Judging bythe way in which she was about her darling self I imagine if she's not dead by now she's in the process of dying or at the very least in the process of dying.

She was a larger woman. There is nothing wrong with this of course (bar the health issues and lack of attractivness) yet one day in the dear old cookery classes of old she decided to bend over. Well, she did not decide to bend. No-one decides to bend, but he needed to.

As is often prone with some of these "larger folk" the reveal of her arse crack was imminent.


Upon reveal the young fellow next to me (lets call him Steve, since that was his name) impulsivly dropped a crab-stick into her anal crackety wack.


Hilarity (ish) ensued.

And that is my story for you. LOVE. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxPxxxxxxxxxx

Why People Are Scared Of The Dark

Subject lovingly suggested by a friends brother Nathan Miller who said that I'm 'A man of taste' flattery will get you everywhere. If anyone wants to suggest a subject I am more than happy to accomodate.

I recently read Lucian Randall's biography of Chris Morris entitled "Disgusting Bliss", and for it's tantalising tid-bits about the reclusive, enigmatic character it probably only confirmed that Morris is mortal like the rest of us, yet extremely kind to his friends, fearless and dogged in his work-habits, but it did keep coming back to one thing 'he was afraid of the dark'. Now perhaps it is an embellished conceit to make out that this supposed psychotic shadowwy figure is really a soft and vulnerable thing like the rest of us. Perhaps, but, and I have a tendency to read far too much into things it could be, someone like Morris, the inveterate investigative journalist cannot make sense of the unknown, or maybe all those dark twisted things take shape when he's alone in the dark.

I stopped being afraid of the dark when I was about 15, I think, it came quite late, like a lot of things. Yes, it's one of the things I've really come to terms with; strange some people never do. It's not something one can heroically brag about. Perhaps I am only afraid of the dark, inside the house. Last year, when the only shortcut to my 'digs' at University, lay through a small wooded area or 'spinny', I would always avoid going through it in the dark and take the long way round adding 20-30 minutes to my journey. But just once or twice I went through it, in the middle of the night, just with the backlight from my mobile to shine my way.... and all the stumps and crooked branches of the trees took on lives of their own and at any moment someone or even worse something could jump out, it didn't matter what 'it' did, just the fact it would jump out is enough.

I was always afraid of someone being under my bed when I was younger, but up until late adolescence, the same with alin spaceships appearing outside my bedroom window... oh dear Nathan's opened a floodgate...

So 'Why' is somethin' that has been asked since time immemorial, it's why Man (and WOman) invented fire and so on and so on. Perhaps we should go past all the symbology and such and find something simple, honest and truthful...

...I've had a few scotches (it's to curb 'The Writer's Block' I've been experiencing I am usually a T-Totaller) and maybe it gives one licence to be a crap philosopher, so cue, something cringey and space-age laughable.

(Imagine Bob Dylanesque stoned tones:)

'Maybe we're so afraid of the dark because we're afraid that in the darkness we may see ourselves, and only ourselves'