Einem Offenen Brief An Patty Dohle

Dearest Patty,
                     Thank-you so much for the last letter. It was nice for it covered a time-span which I was retrospectively influencing...., it's hard when one is so busy to keep it up (ooh er) but you've done me proud you little sherbert; of course with my festive laziness I missed the christmas post; and for some strange reason a feeling of lethargy and insomnia in equal measure have rendered me fat and useless to writing; so here we are at the only obvious conclusion, an open letter.

Now, I have never done one of these sort of things, and I wish I was a subtle person, who could be all clever and let it lie, and then if anyone else comes across this peculiar little blog, would say 'ooh he's written a letter to his friend, because they're pen-friends apparently, but it's public so it's all for us aswell and carries on his usual blog-stuff, isn't that clever, and he hasn't even made a thing of it, because he's so fucking nauseatingly quirky and clever :P' - something like that, ignore the end, it isn't self deprecation, promise!

Well there we are, there we are, it's a little at odds with what private stuff in your letter you may want to have transmitted, so I will again to the nausea; Ich war wirklich schockiert und verärgert an den über-Zahlung Sache, aussprechen aussprechen Fotzen und die Tatsache, dass sie nur auf, dass ohne Vorwarnung es wirklich nur klopft man für sechs! 


I liked the eight-legged santa drawing, most amusing. I did attempt my usual reply to be bundled along with some christmas gifts, but my ability to hold onto a fountain pen for more than five minutes, went wanting, I found the wax seal though, so that crisis is over! PHEW! - But of the paragraph I wrote it was mostly about writers being chronic masturbators so, y'know.

I am having a rather brilliant Christmas with my parents actually, first for everything, eh ;) hehehehe but perhaps some emotional maturity, wake-up calls, epiphena and all that jazz has caused a mellowing in this department. Ich habe eine sehr, sehr dumpfen Schmerz in der Grube meiner Seele über die Rückkehr zur Uni, die Bastarde zu konfrontieren und Konfrontation, positive und sich für mich, aber ich denke ich bin bereit, auch ich habe BEREIT SEIN!

It will be brilliant to see you just before we go back actually, because we can 'role-play' OH HELLO! - Giving one some balls, big fat hairy words! (Balls) - oh dear I am sleep deprived, I assume your drowning in the bath as we speak, as I type :P 


Oh sleepy, ergh, ergh, erm... erm.... oh Christ! - most people here would resort to some amusing videos and a crude drawing of something, dare I? Dare I? No, I shant take the easy route, like the suicide pills they give to spacemen on doomed missions, I'll plough through the wordy asteroid belt and get the Moonpad of 'Yours Sincerely' - oooh that's one of my better analogies. 


'OH JESUS CHRIST' as Edward Woodward would say, oh it's no use! Verdammt mich und meine unersättliche Wunsch zu gefallen Tag der Sonntag, ich wollte bis Montag warten, vielleicht werde ich eine spezielle Geburtstags Blog zu tun, ist, dass traurig, dass egozentrisch, oh Gott, oh golly YA Blocko'S! Nun da sind wir vielleicht ein wenig glanzlos ist, aber ich habe es für euch, und auch da sind wir, und Sie erhalten einen richtigen Brief in der Post zuvor meine Heimsuchung, und ich werde versprechen, es zu schreiben, wenn ich weniger schläfrig und / oder bis zu Tia Maria getankt, oh wann werde ich lernen!
Yours Sincerely
Simon xxxxxxx

P.S Here is the crude drawing and amusing video for good measure :P

THE GLASS CLOSET

I'm gay.

Now you'd think something as simple as two words, would explain, identify and satisfy any question on the difference of sexual orientation, wouldn't you? Ah, well...At 14 I found out to my cost that such a simple proclamation can land one in some pretty nasty bastard-infested waters, I'll tell you that for nothing.

This isn't going to be one of those 'lecturey' blogs, where I instruct you and make you feel guilty about not understanding/not caring/being weird around the whole GAY thing... this is more a treatise on the current phenomena of what 'GAY' means to the mainstream, and obviously where I set amongst it all; it's many-varied and multi-layered and bit wibbly and silly in places, but I will try to condense into something quite simple and interesting!

The thing is, I was lucky to originally 'come out' with little understanding of sex/sexuality or connotations, identity and all those other peculiar things. I was 14, I knew I didn't have that much of an interest in girls, and that I found guys attractive, and lovely, but I was pubescent, I didn't have that much of an inclination of sex really... I can't fathom any reason why I said this fact about myself to all and sundry, there was no gain, except to be honest, although the losses were rather terrific.

You see, I had the rather fortunate circumstance, that I went to an All-Boys School, in a rather less than reputable area of South-East London; a heavy, rough and uncomprimising place, that didn't take too kindly to fay, unco-ordinated, philosophising types... and the school population after asking a long loooooooooooong stream of questions decided that I, who would not defend or argue, simply explain, as I was all calm and dream-like floating through school-life, took umbridge to this and began a systematic yet random course of attacking me in various undignified ways; from aerosol-can spray in the face, to stone throwing, spitting, punching, kicking, strange sexual advances... it was a rather difficult seven months of this, to which I never really responded... I didn't know how, or thought to...

I decided to leave this establishment and they found me a new one. Now at 15, rather war-wounded and introspective about this whole life business... further questioning of my sexuality resulted in me not willing to answer, thus a whole stigma and fear arose whenever sexuality was mentioned, in particular gayness, and I sort of developed an internalised homophobia.

When I got a bit older, and heard that there were 'LGBT youth groups' I popped along to them - but (and please, this is no sob story, just 'what happened') a lot of the other young guys and gals, were more interested in copping off with one another, and they were on this thing called 'the scene' which I didn't understand.

This scene refers to a ghettoised area of soho in which the opening gay outnumbers the arrogant heterosexual, thereby the gay population assume a strange parody of heterosexual life by being comfortable in an outside urban setting... thus making it as isolating, unkind and unwelcoming as the rest of society...

So with my self-loathing and their over-compensating self-loving.... I was a lost cause... and it wasn't until I got into a dodgy domesticated long-term relationship and went to college, that I sort of weirdly labelled myself as BISEXUAL.... something which I had to defend internally... how embarrassing I find it now... but just one note, I have had relationships with women - and I have loved women - I do love women and could fall in love with women - it's about love with me not sex so much - and so yes, Bi - ness is probably a more correct term, but I shall outline why I identify as GAY.

The reason is very simple; it is still a homophobic society, that doesn't allow for tolerance, let alone acceptance of alternative sexualities; we do not teach it to our children from a young age, as they do in other European countries, we don't have Gay Marraige, there is still acceptable prevelant anti-gay humour and a proliferation of gay-backlash in the press and tv... people are always interested in people sexuality because people think these 'closetted' people are ashamed and we like to out and shame, it's the modern witchhunt... so until it's such an ordinary fixture of life FOR THE MASSES (I know a lot of you who read this blog will have already, or have been brought up to see there is very little distinction between gays and straights, imperceptable) that gay men and women should show it - loudly....

I, through trauma, have not been able to be as open as I'd like, and I try my best, I'd never deny even in dangerous circumstances, but I, due to complete accident, I think people correlate my behaivour as 'gay' anyway, and this I do not mind, but I worry people think I mind, and want to keep it secret, or something... now this is THE GLASS CLOSET, (I keep nearly writing COFFIN) that I refer too... it is a term that denotes someone who is openly gay yet never refers to it in public and often asks for it not to be mentioned if giving interviews and so on; prime examples of this are Simon Amstell, Jodie Foster, One of Take That (I cant remember which one) so on and so on, ad infinitum.... people seem to herald these as bastians of LGBT-rights, because they 'don't make a fuss about it' and that they 'appear almost straight' how UTTERLY SICKENING, is that! - it sounds very conformist and middle-class; the only way we accept is through assimilation - no, no, no, no!

People, who through their personality are camp or outrageous, I think of Louis Spence here, are derided as setting the gay-rights movement backwards, and modern gay men go 'ya! boo! for shame!' - how dare they, that's very unkind, untrue and all the rest of it, he is just him - he may be annoying for other reasons but it's nothing to do wit hthe fact that he is gay and flamboyant... the real shaming types are the ones that just 'never refer to it' and try their best to not appear at all like a stereotype of which we are so villified and bullied for...!

Well I shant take part in this horrible display of utter conformity, I don't mind if I am mocked or if people secretly sneer, I am well-prepared now for all that....

I genuinely beleive Modern Gay-Rights Activism is as simple as going to societ 'No You're Wrong! We're Equal and seeing as we've demoralised so; we have to waste all this energy of our life in telling you the reasons OVER AND OVER AND OVER"

Meta-decompartmentalisation

Before we start, 'a bit of housekeeping',( an expression I ironically love as I try to never do actual cleaning or tidy, unless for reasons of entrophy), I must recommend a book, my Mum has been reading SUM:40 TALES FROM THE AFTERLIFE. I've been dipping in an out and this small tome, is a cheeky, flirty and wonderful little creative book about our very existence;  http://www.davideagleman.com/SUM.html Yes, it's ideas such as these that I must fill my mind with heartily to avoid avoidance and anxiety, but more on that another, brighter day.

It's good to make note of such things as existentialism and politics, especially the latter because that just makes me feel warm and fuzzy with a cup of coffee, oh yes sir.

When I was waltzing back from Wimbledon Common the other week in a peaky fit over the fact of my Fatherlessness,  when I happened upon a dirty trodden in post-it note with the word FUN scrawled on it in a strange 'spacky' hand. Now 'FUN' is something that alludes me, and I don't have FUN, I engage, I engage with this gnawing feeling in the gut and how to keep it at bay, my mind is always elsewhere.... but there is no point moaning on about this to friends, family or Dawkin's Forbid A BLOG, one must address these issues because no-one else cares or wants to. I accept this, I am genuinely looking for a way to engage in FUN as it were. More on this news when we get it.

(Sneezing like a Bastard), well as it stands, I am dedicating the next couple of weeks to preparing/rehearsing/prop-buying/sound-engineering/co-set-designing/producing/advertising This One Man Show, amongst my usual business, although a lot of the usual business will be minimized and will compliment all the work on This One Man Show.... so all the things I keep in seperate little boxes of my life will all mingle and coagulate, look it has even happened here!

I have lots of ideas for this blog that has nothing to do with this project, but I do need to keep in the habit of constantly mentioning it wherever I go, which is rather draining, in a good, I am not thinking about the fact that I am an insignificant organism on a little rock in a galaxy somewhere in this universe, a microbic dot on the eyelash of 'God'.... yes, it's good I am not concerning myself with such things.

Roll on september, and in the meantime, stick your hand down the pants of my sister-blog: http://howtoputonaonemanshow.blogspot.com/ and you'll get lots of strange stuff over the next couple of weeks at irregular intervals as well as a podcast, perhaps, all the kids are doing them these days are they not?

Toodle-Pip