THE GLASS CLOSET

I'm gay.

Now you'd think something as simple as two words, would explain, identify and satisfy any question on the difference of sexual orientation, wouldn't you? Ah, well...At 14 I found out to my cost that such a simple proclamation can land one in some pretty nasty bastard-infested waters, I'll tell you that for nothing.

This isn't going to be one of those 'lecturey' blogs, where I instruct you and make you feel guilty about not understanding/not caring/being weird around the whole GAY thing... this is more a treatise on the current phenomena of what 'GAY' means to the mainstream, and obviously where I set amongst it all; it's many-varied and multi-layered and bit wibbly and silly in places, but I will try to condense into something quite simple and interesting!

The thing is, I was lucky to originally 'come out' with little understanding of sex/sexuality or connotations, identity and all those other peculiar things. I was 14, I knew I didn't have that much of an interest in girls, and that I found guys attractive, and lovely, but I was pubescent, I didn't have that much of an inclination of sex really... I can't fathom any reason why I said this fact about myself to all and sundry, there was no gain, except to be honest, although the losses were rather terrific.

You see, I had the rather fortunate circumstance, that I went to an All-Boys School, in a rather less than reputable area of South-East London; a heavy, rough and uncomprimising place, that didn't take too kindly to fay, unco-ordinated, philosophising types... and the school population after asking a long loooooooooooong stream of questions decided that I, who would not defend or argue, simply explain, as I was all calm and dream-like floating through school-life, took umbridge to this and began a systematic yet random course of attacking me in various undignified ways; from aerosol-can spray in the face, to stone throwing, spitting, punching, kicking, strange sexual advances... it was a rather difficult seven months of this, to which I never really responded... I didn't know how, or thought to...

I decided to leave this establishment and they found me a new one. Now at 15, rather war-wounded and introspective about this whole life business... further questioning of my sexuality resulted in me not willing to answer, thus a whole stigma and fear arose whenever sexuality was mentioned, in particular gayness, and I sort of developed an internalised homophobia.

When I got a bit older, and heard that there were 'LGBT youth groups' I popped along to them - but (and please, this is no sob story, just 'what happened') a lot of the other young guys and gals, were more interested in copping off with one another, and they were on this thing called 'the scene' which I didn't understand.

This scene refers to a ghettoised area of soho in which the opening gay outnumbers the arrogant heterosexual, thereby the gay population assume a strange parody of heterosexual life by being comfortable in an outside urban setting... thus making it as isolating, unkind and unwelcoming as the rest of society...

So with my self-loathing and their over-compensating self-loving.... I was a lost cause... and it wasn't until I got into a dodgy domesticated long-term relationship and went to college, that I sort of weirdly labelled myself as BISEXUAL.... something which I had to defend internally... how embarrassing I find it now... but just one note, I have had relationships with women - and I have loved women - I do love women and could fall in love with women - it's about love with me not sex so much - and so yes, Bi - ness is probably a more correct term, but I shall outline why I identify as GAY.

The reason is very simple; it is still a homophobic society, that doesn't allow for tolerance, let alone acceptance of alternative sexualities; we do not teach it to our children from a young age, as they do in other European countries, we don't have Gay Marraige, there is still acceptable prevelant anti-gay humour and a proliferation of gay-backlash in the press and tv... people are always interested in people sexuality because people think these 'closetted' people are ashamed and we like to out and shame, it's the modern witchhunt... so until it's such an ordinary fixture of life FOR THE MASSES (I know a lot of you who read this blog will have already, or have been brought up to see there is very little distinction between gays and straights, imperceptable) that gay men and women should show it - loudly....

I, through trauma, have not been able to be as open as I'd like, and I try my best, I'd never deny even in dangerous circumstances, but I, due to complete accident, I think people correlate my behaivour as 'gay' anyway, and this I do not mind, but I worry people think I mind, and want to keep it secret, or something... now this is THE GLASS CLOSET, (I keep nearly writing COFFIN) that I refer too... it is a term that denotes someone who is openly gay yet never refers to it in public and often asks for it not to be mentioned if giving interviews and so on; prime examples of this are Simon Amstell, Jodie Foster, One of Take That (I cant remember which one) so on and so on, ad infinitum.... people seem to herald these as bastians of LGBT-rights, because they 'don't make a fuss about it' and that they 'appear almost straight' how UTTERLY SICKENING, is that! - it sounds very conformist and middle-class; the only way we accept is through assimilation - no, no, no, no!

People, who through their personality are camp or outrageous, I think of Louis Spence here, are derided as setting the gay-rights movement backwards, and modern gay men go 'ya! boo! for shame!' - how dare they, that's very unkind, untrue and all the rest of it, he is just him - he may be annoying for other reasons but it's nothing to do wit hthe fact that he is gay and flamboyant... the real shaming types are the ones that just 'never refer to it' and try their best to not appear at all like a stereotype of which we are so villified and bullied for...!

Well I shant take part in this horrible display of utter conformity, I don't mind if I am mocked or if people secretly sneer, I am well-prepared now for all that....

I genuinely beleive Modern Gay-Rights Activism is as simple as going to societ 'No You're Wrong! We're Equal and seeing as we've demoralised so; we have to waste all this energy of our life in telling you the reasons OVER AND OVER AND OVER"